I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
