god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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