i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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