I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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