Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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