You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
