Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
