Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
