the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
