Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
