after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
