were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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