just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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