Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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