I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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