I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
