how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
You smell like stripper and shame
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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