My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You ate ashes out of my bong
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
