stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize