I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
