Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
