Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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