I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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