I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
