does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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