Do you still have your period?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize