i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
