Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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