That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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