He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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