Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
