I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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