Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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