can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
