I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
