I feel great
I just peed on a car
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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