And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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