btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize