You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
