I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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