I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Randomize
