All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
