you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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