You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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