I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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