Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
