i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
