i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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