Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Randomize