I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
