nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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