Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
