All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
