Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
