My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
