Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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