she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
